I can go online! Anyway, so much has been happening, I'm thinking of starting another blog where I can let other people read meaning no private things inside meaning not much good. So anyway, I'm vying for the IT Director post in Leo eventhough I'm not very IT savvy. But I'm not exactly IT dumb either I guess, at least that's what I would like to believe. We won't be firing out useless vice chairman, sadly. We will only wait for him to step down after which I will not get the post. But scolding people is fun so I'm quite happy with being just a DO. It's a good outlet for all the stress I've got. Apparently I fit the post quite well because Jon Hiu seems to be afraid of me, or rather he said I was scary, Huang Ming also said I was scary. I kissed my baby brad last Saturday. I did mouth to mouth on him actually.
Depressing topic: Last Saturday and almost the whole of last week, and even a ltitle now, I was so angry at my mum. Thursday I told her she was all mine for the weekend, she said ok. Saturday morning, I had SJ and she half scolded me. Then in the afternoon she had business lunch with her colleague, was I allowed to get angry? NO! So fine, lets go for lunch with your colleague as I sit in the corner rotting in boredom. Then, after dropping my sis for dance class, she said she wanted to go Allamanda because of the Nadi roadshow there= work. Fine! After that, we got lost in Putrajaya and she got into a really bad mood until my sis eat tea also scold. Anyway, after we went home and had dinner, I sat on her bed to chat with her and she suddenly scolded me. I got pissed and went to my room, crying a bit. Sunday, I was still damn angry even after mass, which is fairly unusual. Then I went for CC all the time trying very hard to keep my tears in because of the things the priest was saying in front. It felt as if he was talking to me. He was talking about the sacraments of healing among them was reconciliation, confession. The sacrament that I am so afraid of. People normally go on a yearly basis but I haven't gone since first communion, six years ago. Anyway, after that she had parents meeting so I spent an hour and a half with nothing to do. I walked round the church, prayed in front of Mother Mary (the statue of her of course) where I cried, Again. then I sat in the toilet because there's a bench there and other benches were full. And after since I had nothing to do, I decided to go pang sai.. lol. Anyway, after the meeting we went for lunch with my grandma and godma. I raelly didn't feel like becoming close to her evnthough she's trying. I don't know why, I'm just so stuck in my story that I can actually believe that someday Dr Chan will materialise. Anyway, because it os the season of Lent, I can't eat meat and they went to some stupid banana leaf shop where I had nothing to eat. So my mother had to take me to the McDs in Section 14 where I once almost throwed up before. After that, she said she was tired so we went home to sleep and after sleeping she went to work in dad's office. It's not very difficult to guess that we never got to go to MPH. I love books so much but I never get to buy any because she always complains it's expensive. It's not just about the books. It's about the empty promises that always ALWAYS come out of her mouth. It just hurts. I was mad at her until I read my old messages and found one from Smile with bible verses inside on revenge and forgiveness. I looked up the ones about forgiveness and it basically told me to forgive my mother. I tried to forgive her, that was Thursday. She had a stupid stupid business dinner so she said she couldn't fetch me to tuition but would fetch me back. After tuition, I waited for her but my sister came instead. Empty promise again. I slept at about 12 that night if I'm nt mixed up with Friday. I didn't even see her that night. Next morning, as usual didn't have much time. That night, I didn't see her again because she came back so late. It's just so unfair. It's like everytime I try to forgive her, she breaks my heart. In the bible, frogiveness is likened to how God forgives us. I tried to do that, I told myself that I hurt God all the time by sin-ning but it's just so hard. It still is. It's al so painful. For previous weeks it was my dad, last week it was my mum, this week, it's probably W, how much more do I have to take? How much more can I take? I'm not perfect. Imagine, everyday you hit your hand, after long enough and enough hits, it's gonna die. It will never get numb to the pain. It's the same with my heart. ARRGGHHH!!!
My only outlet is this blog so I really hope you guys will excuse me if I'm boring you. On the bright side, when the priest came to talk last week, which he doesn't usually do, he brought his wowow. That's dog in baby language for those of you who can't remember the sweet time when you were young. It's a German Shepard (dunno how to spell) and it is sooo cute! It looked so bored and sleepy. Haha. But it was cute all the same.
I wrote a sonnet the other day and I'm thinking of sending it in for English week. The theme is love for the short story so I'm thinking of sending in a shortened version of Samantha Chan Love doesn't exist. I know the title is love doesn't exist but the story is sweeter ok? I'm just too lazt to re write it. And I've got so many versions flowing through my mind that I don;t even know what to write anymore. That's the difference between inspiration and over inspiration. I'm hoping to stay up all night getting it right tonight, I'll be half asleep in church but it'll be worth it. I think. I don;t know. See how lar, I might just sleep. ANyway, bye bye. Or buy buy as I accidentally typed to Ben just now. haha. night.